The placement of facial hair is the most telling feature when detecting personality. The mustache is a prominent symbol of authority, whereas the Van Dyke goatee is the badge of a roguish independent.
The person who dons a mustache has instant control of the task at hand, the know-how necessary to overcome sticky situations. He is the alpha male.
A goatee marks the individual. He might help you, he might not. He definitely won’t follow orders, but if you work with him, he just might cooperate quid pro quo. He is the beta male. (Omegas don’t have facial hair, because they’re females. I went to college.)
Police officers are only allowed to grow mustaches, to send a subliminal message of paternity to possible culprits and make them behave. Bongo players, on the other hand, use their goatees to send a subliminal message that they want to have a wicked jam session.
Walter Cronkite’s facial hair was in the correct place. Salvador Dali’s, however, sprouted 2 1/2 inches too high, which made it all the funnier.
Muttonchops are too complex a topic to get into right now. Suffice it to say that muttonchop is to personality what Sikhism is to spirituality.
In “The Big Lebowski,” The Dude has a shaped beard, with emphasis on the chin, or goatee segment, whereas the cowboy-type guy has a prominent mustache.
The Dude is like a hippie, and the cowboy is like a cowboy, and they like each other. And when the cowboy says something that is obviously a cowboy parable, The Dude says with an air of admiration, “That some kind of Eastern thing?” which shows us that they both agree on what is being said, but relate to the message through different paths.
The ego of The Dude assumes that the cowboy’s wisdom must have roots in The Dude’s ilk.
And they both compliment each other on style, which is an obvious reference to goatees and mustaches, and the attitudes that go along with each one.
It’s Yin and Yang. We need the balance of both personalities to keep a harmonious Earth, which is why it makes sense that the wisest of men have big, unshaped beards. They realize the One-ness of the cosmos.
Thank you for your time, and we urge you to please donate whatever is comfortable.
Martin O’Darius, President
Americans Uniting to Free Ted Kaczynski and Charles Manson (but not Khalid Sheikh Mohammed)