I think it is very insensitive for your newspaper to have so much stuff today about this bin Laden fella. It’s been a very confusing ordeal for me and my friends, and quite frankly, we are sick of it.
Please stop talking about him by tomorrow morning, because me and everyone on our block have been scared half to death every time we turn on the TV or see an edition of your publication laying around.
I have been getting worried phone calls and visits all day from loved ones, and the stress you are causing us is unacceptable.
Let me explain.
My cat, Osama bin Laden, is very popular on this block.
Everybody says hi when I take him out on his tiny leash, and even dogs like him. If something bad were to happen to Osama bin Laden, I would probably cry my eyes out, and so would everyone else on Lilybrook Terrace.
He is quite healthy right now (not that you care), and we would appreciate it if you stopped printing such frightful material about some gentleman who, it seems, didn’t even live in America.
Speaking of which, I don’t live in New York, so maybe I’ll cancel my subscription to your narrow-minded, insensitive, really big, but also stupid newspaper.
Please don’t say anything more about it tomorrow.