Monthly Archives: July 2010

How to Play the Drums

Please press play for audio during lesson:

The drums is two parts: The whacking thing and the whacked thing, and as long as you have at least one of each, you’re set. Get a feel for the thing you’re whacking. Does it resonate? Does the drumstick, hand or whatever that you’re hitting it with bounce back off the surface of the thing, or stop dead? How many parts of the thing can you hit to make a different sound? How many parts of the whacker can you hit with? THINK ABOUT NEANDERTHALS AND HIT IT!!! Don’t take lessons. Chances are, any teacher looking for a profit will try to teach you patterns and rhythms.
That is so STUPID.
Just think about neanderthals for now. A drumbeat is a stupid thing. Don’t you want to make art? I doubt that when you think, you think in strict patterns. There are little patterny bits, but lots of drifting. So your thoughts aren’t coming out if you play nazi beats. We need your thoughts, which, if you’ve been practicing, can now graduate from neanderthals to centipedes. That’s a lot trickier, huh? Tiny whacks. Now think about that thing you were thinking about before you started reading this. Does it sound any good? HIT IT AS HARD AS YOU CAN AND EXPLOSION DEBBIE!!!! Now peace lilies. More or less difficult? Now you can do whatever you want. But you should have been doing that anyway, Nazi. Think about the best drummer you’ve ever heard in your life and convince yourself that it is just a damned rice cake compared to jackhammers. Now put that into a rainforest. Depending on the composition you’re trying to create, the rainforest can win or the jackhammers can win. What if they teamed up toward the end? Not likely, but it’s not my composition, so do whatever you want, FreedomTao. Now for a lesson in accompaniment: Ella Fitzgerald just came over for tea, and wasn’t planning on a session, but you are really in the mood and she’s a legend. How does one accompany a master such as Ella? Well, if she’s on bass drum, and you’re on conga, I’d say emphasize your high tones, so it doesn’t get all muddied up.
The worst thing is a drum solo. A drum solo is the worst thing. People always boo during drum solos. No one ever cheers because drum solos are stupid and we live in Utopia. If people cheered, they would be the nazis, but you’ve grown into FreedomTao II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold. If you love them you will say no to the drum solo, and instead play solo drum. They will probably walk away if you try to pull this stunt, so make sure the concert was in a cage the entire time.

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A Gynecologist Takes the Rorschach Test

Psychiatrist: And what do you see here?
Gynecologist: A vagina.
Psychiatrist: Hmmm… And how about here, what do you see?
Gynecologist: A vagina.
Psychiatrist: Interesting… And in this one?
Gynecologist: Well, I’m certain that’s a vagina. It’s a photograph of a vagina.
Psychiatrist: Yes, it’s my vagina. Is there anything wrong with it?
Gynecologist: It looks pretty good to me.
Psychiatrist: No, come on. Take a closer look. I’m worried about it.
Gynecologist: Hey, buddy, I’m not on duty right now.
Psychiatrist: Come on, man. Analyze my vagina and I’ll give a mental diagnosis on the house. Quid pro quo.
Gynecologist: Hmmm… OK, well, I can tell right off the bat that you probably have a higher than average testosterone level. There are a few things I notice that indicate it, but there’s really nothing to worry about. Other than that everything looks fine.
Psychiatrist: Oh, I have high testosterone now? You think I’m manly?
Gynecologist: That’s not what I’m saying. It’s really nothing to worry about. Just —
Psychiatrist: Well, here’s your diagnosis: You’re a dickhead. How’s that?
Gynecologist: Hey, no I’m not! I’m a doctor, damn it.
Psychiatrist: A doctor of judgment!
Gynecologist: Look, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. It’s a common condition, and there’s nothing wrong with you.
Psychiatrist: OK, sure, whatever… Can we carry on?
Gynecologist: You tell me.
Psychiatrist: Let’s focus. So what do you see in this one?
Gynecologist: Don’t show me that, I’m not a proctologist.
Psychiatrist: It’s your face! Hahahahahahaha!
Gynecologist: Hey! I’m sorry, OK? Let’s try to be mature. Stop showing me your junk.
Psychiatrist: I am this close to kicking the shit out of you.
Gynecologist: You’re a wuss.

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“What a Chimpanzee is,” by T.F. Grundle, Primatologist

A chimpanzee is a big, fat, hairy, mean jerk!

I was just trying to do some research at the zoo, and the second I start making him sit in the chair for a proper discussion, he starts wapping me all over with his stupid, mean fists.

I HATE chimpanzees now!

He was being SUCH a jerk so I hit him back. It’s only fair, DUH!

And then he BIT me!

I HATE chimpanzees now and I don’t ever want to see one ever again for as long as I live!

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