Child: Pssst. Hey.
Young Professional: (looks up) Hello.
C: What are you in for?
Y: I’m just reading a book. What do you mean?
C: My mom dragged me here. She’s the one over there in Parenting, holding all the pills. She won’t take me home till I finish at least one book.
Y: Oh. Well, why did you choose that one? I’m way older than you, and I don’t understand Tolstoy at all.
C: No, guy, I chose this one because it’s so big. I’m gonna wallop her over the head and make a run for it.
Y: I really hope you’re kidding.
C: What, you got a better plan?
Y: Yeah, stupid. Don’t use the paperback edition.
C: Oooh, right! You must have gone to college.
Y: Damn straight. And I’ve done lots of other smart stuff too, like chewing tobacco. Listen, kid, I hope you’ve planned ahead better than I suspect. Like, for example, can you even reach the doorknob? If not, you’re gonna cause a whole scene and get caught right at the brink of freedom. Then it’s back to your date with Anna Karenina.
C: Good thinkin’, mister. What are you chargin’ for advice?
Y: Whaddya got? … Bubble gum, a yo-yo, ginger snaps… nah, man, I don’t want any of this. Listen, is your mama single?
Y: All right, just gimme her number and we’ll call it even.
Y: OK, so you gotta take out the librarian first. They can be real mean. Luckily, they spend a lot of stagnant time indoors, so they’re soft and weak, like veal.
Y: Veal… basically, just wait till she heads off into a dark corner and jab her leg with this pencil, and when she falls down, tie her up.
C: With what?
Y: Pfft! You think I don’t have a lasso on me? I went to college! Here, take it.
C: Gee, thanks!
Y: Now, the doorknob is way up there, so you’re gonna have to jack that old man’s walker and use it to jury rig a pulley system with his shoelaces to hoist you up.
C: OK, OK, but also I could use that footstool over there.
Y: Yeah, or maybe you could just climb on top of your graduation cap.
Y: That’s right, shut up. Now, the old man looks like a fighter, so it would be wise to toss a few of your mama’s pills down his gullet to keep him docile. Do you know what docile means?
C: Um… dead?
Y: That’s right. Now it’s time for mama. She’ll probably be all distracted looking for her pills from when you stole them earlier, so just walk on over there with your book and tell her you saw them roll under the shelf. When she bends over for a look, just give her a good wallop and split.
C: Wow! You’re so smart!
Y: Yup. Now go, little one! Jab that tender librarian!
And that’s why librarians wear really long socks.