On a typical Friday night, men and women, all weary from a long week of laying railroad track and boiling parsnips, don their finest attire and head out for hours of ribald fun at a fancy nightclub.
But what the heck is a nightclub even? Don’t worry, I had never heard of them before, either (they’re not even mentioned in Borganschoff’s Encyclopædia Moderne!), but I’ve done some research, and this is what I learned about a growing trend in America:
- A nightclub is a place where a single woman goes to meet people she wouldn’t like during the day.
– It is a place where a woman in a relationship goes to figure out non-rude ways to tell someone that she already has a boyfriend.
– It is a place where a man in a relationship is very sad.
– A nightclub is a favorite hangout of apparent libertarians, who like to trade cash monies for alcohol and experiment with the idea of a “drink standard” for purchasing prostitutes.
– Do you ever get tired of talking, listening to good music, and being happy? Check out a nightclub.
– Do you like to pick fights, but abhor the middle and end parts of fights? You can pick as many fights as you want in a nightclub and they’ll be stopped before any actual fisticuffs commence. (Say “bro” a lot. It means “I like to punch people”)
– It is OK to rub your genitals against anyone/anything you want, so just go crazy. But if you’ve been doing a lot of genital-rubbing, and then you do not get invited over for a nightcap, call her/him/it a cocktease.
– Sometimes a urinal is for pooping in.
And that’s about everything you need to know about nightclubs! So throw on your threads (cummerbund), get smashed (drink an alcohol), then get laid! (masturbate onto the poop)